As your Republican Representative in the House, I'd like to apologize for your anger. I'm sorry that you're angry about oil ruining an entire ecosystem. But the oil company that did it puts food on my table. My mahogany table. In my 850 square-foot dining room overlooking the ocean. Far enough away from the spill kill zone that I don't have to look at tar covered carcasses, thank God. I'd also like to apologize to the Pentagon for all the grief they've caused by drumming up the Iraq War and keeping the war going in Afghanistan. There's no reason why anybody who started a war under false pretenses should have to hear parents of dead soldiers whine about their lost loved ones. And I want to apologize to the companies that have had to fire employees. Just because you canned your work force doesn't make it right for anybody to be mad at you about it. And I'd like to apologize to the lawyers who advised George W. Bush to disregard the Geneva Conventions in the interrogation of innocent detainees in Guantanamo Bay. Nobody should have to have the torture of innocent people on their conscience, even if you ordered it. You know, there's a whole hell of a lot I'd like to apologize for, but it'd just take way too long. I'll sum it up by apologizing to my fellow Republicans for all the anger they've stirred up by selling this great country out to all our corporate sponsors and to the Pentagon and its contractors. You all really don't deserve to be held accountable for your actions. None of us do. Just because we do something doesn't mean we should be punished for it. Just because I did something bad doesn't mean I should have to pay for it. In fact, I apologize for having to apologize. From now on, no more apologies for anything, ever!


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